"Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide."

Tired, tired, tired is all I'll be. I hate not getting enough sleep. I hope to buy a new quilt for summer.. I keep waking up with sweat behind the back of my neck. Not a nice feeling. Know what else is not a nice feeling? Feeling insecure, afraid, angry and jealous. I thought I might've learnt how to control these feelings, but I guess not. I slipped. I have so much more to learn. Only time and experience will make me a better person. My inner child still wants people to be proud of me. For them to say those words, "I'm proud of you".. one day I'll get there. I'll make them proud. And by "them" I mean my family, friends and boyfriend. Especially my boyfriend. It will most likely be me who will put strain on our relationship. I know I have to stop thinking this way. Sometimes I don't know what to do but think of taking the easy way out. I'm trying not to.. I really am.. I feel like I'm not ready for anything. We'll see. Funny how a few years ago I wished to get married and start a family at the age of 19. Haha, and now that I'm 19, I want nothing than complete darkness. I try to be happy. I keep repeating those words in my head over and over. I stay happy for a couple of days and then I break. How could someone be so completely happy one minute, and suicidal the next? There's always a reason.. there's always a reason.... life seems like it's ending. This is a side of me that doesn't surprise me. At some point within my life, I've reached that maximum point where I can't handle it. Abuse, death and school. We always need a helping hand.  Come on, Rosemay. Be happy for tomorrow.

Happy 15 months.