How am I supposed to be everything they expect of me? When I feel so alone.

I had another argument with my parents tonight. I don't know what pissed me off more, them telling me off or knowing that my brother has an advantage on me now. I came home after an early shift today, my brother comes downstairs as I walked into the kitchen and asks if I could take him to the shops. I know I shouldn't mind, but I did. My mind was thinking "I only have a few short hours to spend with Peter". Is that crazy-talk? :( to want to spend a lot of time with a loved one? Being with Peter is like my comfort-zone. A place where I can let myself go.


I came home to my dad telling me to be there when my family needs me. Basically be there whenever my brother wants to go out. A few hours after the talk with my parents, my brother knocks on my door and asks if I could take him to his friend's house for a party. Really, I didn't know what to say. Especially after my argument with my parents not so long ago, I just wished to be left alone. He wanted me to drop him off at 1.30pm, an hour before my shift started. It took me awhile to think and give him an answer because I was reluctant. I wanted to be able to sleep-in and have time for myself between the time I wake up and the time I start work. I wanted to see Peter. I didn't want to say "yes" - partly because I didn't want to feel controlled by my family. I had so much anger that I pushed away after the argument that I lost it the moment my brother rushed me to give him an answer. It was triggered and I snapped. I surprised myself and no doubt scared him enough to leave me alone.


I know I'm selfish at times. Thinking of myself before others. This is not usually who I am, I'm always the one to think of others' happiness before mine. I would give up everything and anything to make them happy. Something changed in me or maybe I grew. I don't know if I'm the one pushing my family away or if my family is the one pushing me away. Sometimes I wish they could understand what I think and feel but I know they can't. They won't listen even if they gave me the chance to explain. I just want to be happy.